Pitching the Pitch: Black and Fat

Dez: This group of guys have a friend they think is a cat.

Zed: That’s your pitch?

Dez: What do you think?

Zed: These guys are on drugs?

Dez: No.

Zed: It’s a stoner movie.

Dez: No.

Zed: They think their friend is a cat?20150314_165131

Dez: A cat. A fat black cat.

Zed: I don’t get it.

Dez: That’s just what they see. It’s a perception thing.

Zed: The world sees a black guy?

Dez: A fat, black guy.

Dez: Why does he have to be black?

Zed: It’s a comedy.

Dez: Are the other guys black?

Zed: No.

Zed: And these white guys see a fat, black cat? fatblackcatDez: Yes.

Zed: Does he think he’s a cat?

Dez shrugs.

Zed: It would work if they were dogs. Or mice.

Nigel Baines

I couldn’t go in the water. It was too dark. And cold. Newfoundlabrador2010 006I had got the fish hook stuck. I just wanted to forget about it and make everyone walk away. But they wouldn’t.

“You have to go in,” the old woman said.

I kept pulling on the rod, moving it in every direction.

“I’ll go.” Nigel Baines stripped down to his underwear and went in, just like that. I watched his legs kicking up as he went down. It took him all of 15 seconds. He was hailed with warm towels and hugs.

“You can have as many grilled cheese sandwiches as you like! You deserve it.”

I was allowed to come too, but I didn’t. I stayed behind and stared into the dark water, that fearful place, and hated Nigel Baines.

Ice Friday: Joan Didion Confronts Mortality

Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking faces the harrowing absence of death with systematically beautiful language.

On most surface levels I seemed rational. To the average observer I would have appeared to understand that death was irreversible. I had authorized the autopsy. I had arranged for cremation. I had seen the ashes placed in the wall and the marble plate replaced and the service held. I had done it. I had acknowledged that my husband was dead. P1000848I had done this in as public a way as I could conceive.Yet my thinking on this point remained suspiciously fluid. I happened to meet a prominent academic theologian who spoke of ritual itself as a form of faith. My reaction was unexpressed but negative, vehement, excessive even in me.

Later I realized that my immediate thought had been that I did the ritual. I did it all. And it still didn’t bring him back. Bringing him back had been through those months my hidden focus, a magic trick. P1000829By late summer, I was beginning to see this clearly. “Seeing it clearly” did not yet allow me to give away the clothes he would need.

“Paint”: Expunging Ellen’s Thoughts

DAVIS (Reflecting on his father’s death): It’s not how I’m supposed to feel.

ELLEN: My parents like everything I do. It’s exhausting.

DAVIS: There’s nothing. (Pause) I’m just bored and rich. I have nothing in me. He was dead and I didn’t care.

ELLEN: You didn’t get along with him?

DAVIS: Heroin means more to me.the-velvet-undergroundELLEN: Hitting the junk, just like that?

DAVIS (Pause): The song.

ELLEN (Sarcastically): You don’t say?

DAVIS: “All the dead bodies piled up in the mounds.”

ELLEN: Another broken, lost soul.

DAVIS: I remember the first time I took acid. I was in Max’s apartment and he had this metal giraffe, this angular metal thing, a souvenir from a safari or something. (DAVIS holds his hand out in front of him, miming the action) And I’m staring at this stupid thing, waiting for it to get weird, expecting it to start dancing or talk to me. (Pause) And there was nothing. It was just the same thing.

ELLEN: Why are there no cartoon giraffes? I can’t think of one. There’s everything else: bear, lions, kangaroos. But no giraffes.(Pause) They’re so tall. They see things.giraffe

Why I Write: Naked Smiles

I’ve had no success in getting my writing published. I am on my ninth novel now. Yes, nine completed novels and nothing. I’ve written six screenplays, two novellas, too many poems and articles, and this, my 757th blog post. And nothing.20141012_090728My publishing success is limited to a momentary sports column, a handful of advertorials for British Columbia Tourism and failed copy for a toilet company. neorestOnce, I posted a comment about the paparazzi the day after Princess Diana’s death and got a positive reply. Yes, 19 years later, and I still remember that one comment. Princess-DianaMy most successful blog – 1,200 hits – was due solely to the image of Bachelorette hopeful Jade Elizabeth posted along with it.

Over these many  years, I have accumulated hundreds of rejections from literary agents – all kindly phrased – while friends have listened to my writing ruminations with fading patience. Acquaintances are more interested because they don’t know any better.

It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m just trying to figure out what I’m doing with all of my time. It’s a dream of something – recognition, immortality, dinner with the president, a night of naked adulation, an admiring smile. jade-elizabeth-nakedI am well aware of Orwell and Didion’s thoughts and agree that it must be in my nature and that I am my only I, but it doesn’t feel like that very often. Not today anyway. It seems more like I’m being stubborn or, more accurately, a dumb shit. i-write