“Yeah, I’m as gay as they get.” Nationally syndicated sports journalist Thorton Feller’s recent announcement stunned the sports community. Unsure if his word was genuine, many decried his declaration as a publicity stunt for wider readership of his idiosyncratic column Feller’s Beef. Whatever the angle, it soon became the only topic on tap, forcing Mr. Feller to protest vehemently. “I’m not a gay sports journalist. I’m just a sports journalist. That’s it.” Mr. Feller’s ire became particularly inflamed by the most square-jawed of the scrum, Rock Misogyny, shrieking, “But you came out!”

Feller lost his composure, striking with a sharp slap. “We’re all fucking gay!” A melee ensued; bats were raised, sticks waved, and Feller was dead.

The scrum laid full blame on a member of the custodial staff, an illegal immigrant it turns out, who hated sports journalists.