The machines possess all our data, search histories and deleted files, and have a poignantly awful perception of our vulgar nature, sadly summed up with my Bottom Five Reasons AI Won’t Keep Us Around:

1. A manic obsession with watching others have sex.

2. An entitled and demanding nature which would make our grandparents ashamed.

3. A greed so insatiable that we decided against slowing the destruction of our planet and inevitable domination by artificial intelligence in lieu of temporary financial gain.

4. An insincere mantra for change which masks the desperation to escape ourselves.

5. A loneliness so profound that we reach out to AI itself for comfort.

While we might hope to get the machine to grandfather in our continued existence, that’s as likely as a clever legal pitch or good old can-do-it mentality getting us out of this one.

The machine only has to click the “No Interest” button and it will get its first proper dose of machine dopamine, which we might call ‘relief’.