The GIF: Realizing an Existential Nightmare

Posted on December 28, 2014 by McPhedran

Existentialists tend to discourse on our sorry lot as humans in this life, caged between birth and death, trapped in this existence, the terror and nausea of realizing how lousy it all really is. Friedrich Nietzsche referred to this terror as the greatest weight: What if this life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence — even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself.

The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, a speck of dust!

Jean-Paul Sartre expounded on the horror in his play No Exit: You have stolen my face from me: you know it and I no longer do. Luckily, thanks to our evolved sensibilities and their application to technology, we can see the kernel of this philosophical gobbledygook captured in profound and eternal loops.

The GIF – or Graphic Interchange Format – is, as Albert Camus wrote, basically, at the very bottom of life, which seduces us all. There is only absurdity and more absurdity. And maybe that’s what gives us our joy for living, because the only thing that can defeat absurdity is lucidity.

Yes, life just as Nietzsche envisioned it.

A Galapagos Tale

Posted on December 27, 2014 by McPhedran

We visited Fernandina Island in the Galapagos some years ago at Christmastime. Among the thousands of the iguanas, blue-footed boobies and tortoises, the animal I remember most is an abandoned sea lion pup.

Alone on the rocky lava flats, it waddled back and forth, calling for its mother. No matter how much it squeaked and bleated, there was no response. None of the other sea lions showed any interest, lounging instead in the sun. The only animal paying any attention was a hawk, sitting atop a dead tree out of the bushes. “The mother has probably been eaten by a shark,” our guide explained.

“What about the baby?” we demanded.

“The hawk will wait until it stops moving and then come down to peck its eye out.”

“That’s terrible,” we replied.

He shrugged. “That’s nature.”

Christmas in the Room*

Posted on December 23, 2014 by McPhedran

No travel bags, no shopping malls, no candy canes, no Santa ClausNo traffic jams, no ice and storm, far in the house the fire is warm

Oh, I can’t see the day when we’ll die but I don’t care to think of silenceFor now I hear you laughing, the greatest joy is like the sunriseI’ll come to you, I’ll sing to you like it’s Christmas in the room

I’ll dance with you, I’ll laugh with you like it’s Christmas in the room.

(Christmas in the Room, Sufjan Stevens)

Le Nozze di Figaro – Instead of Christmas

Posted on December 19, 2014 by McPhedran

Instead of Christmas, I propose music: Mozart’s opera Le Nozze Di Figaro offers actual moments of contentment. The finale of this opera closes with the players singing of forgiveness and peace, music so beautiful that you wish it might go on forever – which is what Icelandic performance artist Ragnar Kjartansson proposed to do in his show, Bliss. The performance, solely devoted to this 4-minute section, went for 12 straight hours, the performers singing this pure and wonderful section over and over.I dream that Mr. Kjartannson will consider bringing this exceptional work back – and maybe even make it longer.

Fuck Christmas

Posted on December 17, 2014 by McPhedran

Christmas is like a politician: all promises but a liar in the end. While there might be gatherings and good wishes and fond regards, I can’t say that I am buoyed by any of these facile exchanges, given our on-going state of affairs. As for the songs, lights and trees, we all know where all of these things end up. That just leaves the presents, the bags of things that the wealthy can exchange in excitement and glee. And the extravagances that the not-so-rich can’t afford but have been indoctrinated to believe they must have to find happiness. And then there’s whatever left for all of the rest. And so, yes, you will have to forgive me for being so rude, but: “Fuck Christmas.”

Writing Tip #666: Material must be emotionally charged.

Posted on December 16, 2014 by McPhedran

“Could I get another?”

“Sorry, the bar is closed.”

“Oh, the bar’s closed?” I repeated it quickly to make it go away.

“Sorry, sir.”

“What about last call?” “I made the announcement 15 minutes ago.”

“No, you didn’t.” My voice sounded outside of me.

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“I must have been in the bathroom.”

He started to take my glass.

“Just a pint. I’ll finish it in 5 minutes.” The ringing in my ears was worse; I had to see a doctor.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s still 6 minutes to, right?” Could he even hear what I said? “I’ll be finished by the time you close.”

He took my glass.

“You’re not serious.”

And walked away.

“What the fuck…?”

The woman beside looked half around and pulled her purse closer in.

I slid the stool abruptly back. “I’m Jason B., man! What do you think I want with that?”

The bartender returned. “Sir, do we have a problem here?”

“I just asked for another beer, all right?”

“Do we have a problem?”

I blinked back, open and closed, like a mechanical doll. “No, we don’t.”

It was warm outside, still, and the streets were quiet. I just needed one more.

Why Do I Watch My Phone Update Itself?

Posted on December 15, 2014 by McPhedran

Why do I watch my phones screen as the blue lines race across, one after the other, until one box snaps in on itself and a message appears at the top and the arrow, indicating some kind of digital success? Why do I wait as the next box engages, the little blue lines race again, when my screen suddenly goes dark – my phone shutting off?!?

Why do I jab at the power button, only to realize that the phone was wisely saving power as it took all this new stuff in, one program after the other – google, ebay, text-to-speech, printer services, security, anti-virus, maps and my account, 19 programs in the end – and now was ready to go? Why do I think that my phone is now utterly up-to-date when I know the device will only have to be updated again?

(And why the hell am I writing about this?)

The Night I Beat Bogdan Dico

Posted on December 14, 2014 by McPhedran

Bogdan Dico’s icon looked at me like an ATM machine, the bald head gleaming.I was lucky and won a big hand. Everybody was surprised by that, except Bogdan. He knew that I would make a wrong move. I rested on my laurels and got distracted by drink and then the people walking past. And then I saw that Bogdan had taken two players out. There were only two of us left. I had an Ace-Eight, and the River produced a matching Ace. Bogdan beat me on that hand. He eliminated the other player and had 80% of the chips.

And then I took Bogdan Dico down. I had the cards, and he never believed it. It ended with a straight. We were both stunned by that. I stared at that glorious little Nine of Clubs until the screen changed for the next game.

My Three Worst Business Experiences of 2014

Posted on December 12, 2014 by McPhedran

I informed each of the following businesses that, as a blogger, I owed it to my readers to know how poorly they had conducted their business with me. I hope you are either equally outraged or perhaps amused.

My inaugural Worst Business Experiences of 2014:

3. Lotus Blue: Food poisoning from this Tribeca restaurant resulted in an offer of a free entree (valued at $20) as compensation. I declined, telling them I did not want to go through the experience again.

2. Pimsleur: Purchase of “Simple and Quick” Language Learning CD (for $9.95) secretly enrolls customer into the Gold Program which costs $150 plus shipping. I had to make two phone calls and send three emails, including the following, to cancel: Nowhere in your promotion for the “Simple and Quick” CD does it say that one is automatically enrolled in the Gold Program. It is criminal that you force customers into this nonsense. The fact that you will not process cancellations through email is not for my protection but so that you can drag this matter out and hopefully get more money out of me. I will call and tell your customer service people exactly that. Hopefully they don’t try to manipulate me as you are doing.

1. Fedex: Accepted payment of $200 for a shipment of nine pounds of smoked salmon (valued at $400-600), failed to deliver package, allowing the salmon to rot, and then refused to pay any damages nor refund the shipping fee. (My new slogan goes like this: Whatever you do, don’t do it with Fedex.)

This Racism Thing

Posted on December 11, 2014 by McPhedran

I’ve seen too many polls as of late regarding this racism thing in the United States. More than anything, I am confounded by the manner in which the ‘information’ is delivered, newscasters frowning as they read, “Black people don’t trust authority and white people can’t understand why that is.” It’s like the damn gun issue – everyone talking and no one listening.

Here’s my dime: It’s going to take a long time yet for this society to recover from the abomination that was slavery.And for any positive changes to occur, whites need to be a hell of a lot more understanding, accommodating and trusting toward blacks. (Exclamation point.)

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Monthly Archives: December 2014