Pink Tights and Empty Net Goals

In years gone by, I had a sports column for a now-defunct weekly in Toronto, Metropolis. The following is an abridged version of my article, Pink Tights and Empty Net Goals, published on April 12, 1990:

The beer ads say it all, the same old glorified fantasy of breasts and buns, another ode to the faceless jiggles of procreative dolls. Pink Tights and Empty Net GoalsWomen have never been accepted as equals in sports. In spite of the occasional accolade in tennis or track, they cannot shake the stereotype of cheerleader/parade queen, always the voluptuous muse proudly displaying her pearly whites and profound cleavage. Pink Tights and Empty Net GoalsSports Illustrated’s bathing suit issue has become an institution, Cheryl Tiegs and Kathy Ireland well-rounded icons, while films like The Laker Girls and The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are common viewing. This is what some might call soft-core pornography, the portrayal of women as objects, as vessels to be judged by their flesh, rather than their ability, character and intelligence.

It’s not as if sports is anything but entertainment, a time to turn off the real world, but despite what marketers might think, that doesn’t mean that minds have to dissolve and comprehension be whittled to a twig of barbaric need. To have women constantly reduced to physical parts, demeaned into a position of sexual subservience at every commercial break and sideline shot, is to maintain the pathetic consciousness of master and slave, owned and owner. Pink Tights and Empty Net GoalsMen seem to have no need of female athletic heroes – unless synchronized swimmers can be dug up to substitute for a ‘disgraced’ demi-god (Ben Johnson) – no desire to cheer for “her” achievement when we can have “his”; “her” achievement is always second-best. Examples are inexhaustible: Grand Slam tennis always feature the Women’s Final first, the opening act to the Men’s; coverage of Women’s World Hockey Championships gave as much space to the color of uniforms as to the quality of play. Pink Tights and Empty Net GoalsEven in something as low profile as The Toronto Star’s “Stars of the Week” – a weekly feature on the sporting achievements of the city’s kids – it is a rarity to find even one girl in the lot. It’s as if women aren’t capable of anything physical except sex, as if they can’t run, jump and strive as well. A look to the sports pages in tabloids confirms this, where between the stories and statistics are the advertisements for strip clubs and phone sex. Pink Tights and Empty Net Goals

Male domination seeks to portray women as a toy, a thing that looks great when wet, that acts as fodder for the mendacious, a perambulator for the lazy. Sport doesn’t need it, nor even insinuate it; sport is about the triumph of the body, not its exploitation.

Perhaps there has been a change in the last 20 years, in soccer but that’s about it. The ads and sideline shots are the same as always, and now we have beach volleyball in the Olympics, a much more popular event in the women’s division. I wonder why. Pink Tights and Empty Net Goals

Bad News Hustlers: Sports in a Scene

Sporting moments can make for effective points in the narrative arc – both the highs and lows – and draw the audience in.

Bad News Hustlers: Sports in a Scene

Bad News Bears

But most often they don’t. The team scores. Everybody cheers. So what?

Bad News Hustlers: Sports in a Scene

The Natural

These moments are too grounded in winning; the immediacy is all that matters. Indeed, one of the weakest moments in my script, Sister Prometheus, is a game of badminton between the Adamantine sisters. Virginia and Willow are the younger siblings and have something to prove.

WILLOW serves the shuttlecock. VIRGINIA slams it back for a winner. WILLOW lobs to LOUISE who serves. DIANE volleys back. LOUISE volleys. Bad News Hustlers: Sports in a SceneWILLOW volleys. DIANE drops. WILLOW volleys. VIRGINIA volleys. WILLOW drops. DIANE volleys. LOUISE slams it for the winner.

Yes, it’s badminton; there’s lots of volleying. I’ve inserted the glares, exclamations, even a bit of profanity, but it’s still flat. And so I took them out again. It was too stuffed and pointless.

Bad News Hustlers: Sports in a Scene

Caddyshack

The key in these sporting moments is in the stakes, as the script gurus say, making the winning proposition more than a game. Something real.

Bad News Hustlers: Sports in a Scene

The Hustler

It’s not the game that matters, but why they’re playing it.

VIRGINIA (Slumping over the shuttlecock): Fucking birdie.

Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape Parades

New York’s famed Broadway starts at Bowling Green, the city’s oldest park. Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesIt was here, on July 9, 1776, where the Sons of Freedom, in an act of defiance against England, took down the statue of King George III and sawed off the finials from the fence – the saw marks which are still visible today. Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesBowling Green is also where New York’s ticker tape parades begin, all of which Manhattan’s Downtown Alliance has documented by imbedding granite slabs into the sidewalk. The first parade was impromptu – a collection of people going up Broadway after the dedication of the Statue of Liberty. Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesThere were another six parades over the next 35 years…Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape Parades27 parades in the 1920s…Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesBroadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesBroadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape Parades17 in the 1930s…Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesBroadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesBroadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape Parades22 in the 1940s (all after the end of World War II in 1945)…Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesA whopping 62 in the 1950s…Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesBroadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesBroadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape Parades32 in the 1960s…Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesAnd 20 over the past 42 years, many of which were sports-related. It is actually an interesting exercise to review the list of these ticker tape parades, especially to note how these celebrations have transformed from a focus on politics to that of sports. Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape ParadesIt is the very apolitical nature of the more recent parades that might indicate how unlikely it is that the current statue in Bowling Green will be taken down any time soon.

Broadway: Bowling Green and Ticker Tape Parades

Wall Street’s Bull at Bowling Green

Words V: Compromise

Compromise (verb): Settle a dispute by mutual concession.

Compromise can be a noble action. It is something that leads one from an extremist position and actively helps in avoiding acts of conflict and war. It’s an action to which we should aspire, and yet an action that evokes terror to those in power. When asked to compromise to avoid the upcoming fiscal crisis, House Speaker John Boehner, balks, insisting that Obama intention to raise taxes on the wealthy “will destroy jobs in America.”Boehner, like many other in the Republican Party, are wedded to a pledge of not raising taxes and believe that to compromise is to sully this position, or, as the dictionary says: to weaken a reputation or principle by accepting standards that are lower than is desirable. A good example of this is what happened to New York when it was compromised by the tidal surge of Hurricane Sandy or what has happened to the public reputation of David Petraeus in admitting to his extra-marital affair.

Mr. Petraeus and Ms. Broadwell

But this not the understanding of the word when opposing groups are asked to seek compromise. As absurd as it is to think, even those negotiating the current dispute for the National Hockey League believe this as well. Players’ representative Donald Fehr and League Commissioner Gary Bettman remain entrenched in their positions, 56 days into the lockout and only a short time from potentially cancelling yet another season. They don’t seem to understand that if there is no hockey, there is no revenue…and leads us to another interesting word: extinction. 

Writing Rule #1: Don’t Get Cocky!

Writing Rule #1: Don't Get Cocky!I had a pretty good writing day yesterday. After a dozen or so attempts, I had finally worked my way through a scene that had been a morass.

I felt suddenly clear, not angry, nothing like that. I was in the moment. I only had to fill it. “You remember when we were on the dock?”

I made significant headway after that, another 15 pages, rocketing through it all. Everything was making sense. I had found my way. I knew the next day would be easy, more of the same, clear sailing until the end.  I was on auto-pilot. And then I ran into this:

I accepted his sudden blindness for nothing but his need of this. I knew there was nothing else to it, holding my hair back and kissing his neck, my practiced breath, my shoulders forward, and had a feeling of being held there and then all of me sloping down through me…

Writing Rule #1: Don't Get Cocky!

There was more of this, a lot more. It was a wall of awful. I stared. That was all I could do. I had gotten cocky. I had screwed up. I had thought I had it, when I had nothing.

I sat and stared. My mind was blank. I was beaten. I started to write and stopped again. I got through maybe a sentence and stopped again, until finally I had insect momentum and went at it again. I clawed through maybe a page, and then did another, went backward, went ahead and then maybe three more.

I used to dream about flying, almost every night. And then I bragged about it. “I fly every night.” It ended there. I’ve flown maybe twice since then, over 15 years ago. What an idiot. I must be patient. I believe that I’ll have it back tomorrow. I’m building back. I just have to think about yesterday and remember that I can fly…if I want it.

Writing Rule #1: Don't Get Cocky!