The Fear IV: San Francisco

The Fear struck again in early 1986. This time it would stay with me for quite some time. I flew to California with my girlfriend. We were to spend half the time in the Bay Area for a few Grateful Dead concerts and a couple of university interviews at Stanford and San Francisco State for my intended M.A. program in film, and the other half in Burbank for an interview I had scheduled for my thesis at Walt Disney Studios. I felt off from the moment I stepped on the plane and found myself incredibly agitated while renting our car.

We got to a hotel in Oakland and walked to the concert hall. The show was all right; it would have been a lot better if I had avoided drugs. The notion of trying anything again – this was my first attempt since that dreadful night in Columbia – was a source of great worry for me, but as my belief in confronting fears was a bit of a mantra, I had no other choice. I suffered through waves of intense fear and doubt, but felt quite calm and somewhat relieved by the end.

I had a bath and found was horrified by the blue tiles. They were too even and clean, too polished for a sane person to consider. Panic descended. The worst part of it was I couldn’t corner it, couldn’t explain it; it was a shadow cast from nothing. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing with my life. All of my writing belittled human existence. I was always trying to get outside of the human context. Who the hell did I think I was to do that? The notion was asinine. I had just something called Bare Cage which reduced humanity to a seventeen page one-act play with a naked man and woman, a dead bear and a machine housed in an impenetrable cage, while I was at work on a screenplay entitled Home which featured a house as the main character and the people that moved through as incidentals, while thirdly, I was writing notes for a proposed novel I had entitled Popo Know, the piece from my cat’s perspective. It was as if I didn’t think I was human, like I was above it all, like my vision was beyond the grasp of any other. It was totally fucked.

The next day when I went to the corner bakery, I felt as bad as ever. I was panic-stricken when a stranger asked me a question. I had no idea what he said. I just looked away and pretended he didn’t exist. I pointed to some buns and left as quickly as I could. I was supposed to get ice as well, but didn’t feel up to it. The rest of the day went fairly well. I looked at a couple of the sights in San Francisco, visited San Francisco State University – they had a decent program even if the campus was horrendously ugly – and went to the beach. We went to our second show; it was Chinese New Year’s and, for the event, the Dead had lined up the San Francisco Chinese Orchestra as the back-up. I weaved my way to the front and then thoughts of death and suicide crashed upon me. I wasn’t about to commit suicide, but my understanding of the notion was extremely precise. The gun, the knife, the rope, they were all emblems of clarity. Life was a waste; anybody with a mind could see that. Why the hell not wipe it out? All was blackness and doom. Concepts such as love and freedom were lies to make the imminent collapse of the universe digestible. The wise and loving gods were salesmen speculating on preferential stock. Music was a waste of time; life was a waste of time.

“Shit.” I lost my balance. The last thing I saw was a girl blacking out; I collapsed on top of her. I desperately tried to stand. I opened my eyes to find them clouded and the stadium shrouded in blackness. The houselights had gone out. The band was coming on. Some people helped guide me from the floor and out into the concourse area where I listened to the music float through the halls and watched the crazies and their children dance.

The next day I drove down to Stanford. I fought the feeling all the way down. It was pushing me very hard. We came onto the main, palm-tree-lined avenue into the campus. Sunshine blazed onto the impeccable scene of lush beauty. Hordes of happy cyclists crowded the paths…and then it assaulted me. What was stopping me from swerving the car and plowing through these joyous curs? What the hell was the point of staying on the road? The road was a fucking waste of time. These self-satisfied fuckers needed to understand the precious gift of life…and so did I. This was a farce. My little role in this pathetic jumble was a wasteful pursuit. All the cloaks and masks…why was I supposed to value this mass of conceit?

I slowed the car, forced simple thoughts of hockey and sex into my head and parked. We visited the film faculty, found out my program had been cancelled and left.

A couple of days later I had my interview at Walt Disney studios. I asked the woman my prepared questions and, as she answered, thought what a waste of time her and my life really were. Amazingly, I managed to ask her all of my questions and, a few hours later, when the necessity of the answers returned, wrote them down. I learned to control the feeling over the next few months until early that summer, when I went tree planting, and it finally went away.

The Black Hole in Grateful Dead Releases

By my count, there have been 148 concerts officially released by The Grateful Dead. These releases have come in various incarnations, most notably Dick’s Picks, Road Trips and, the series of late, Dave’s Picks.The Black Hole in Grateful Dead ReleasesAnd while it is a boon for Deadheads to receive any recordings from the archives, a black hole has emerged in these releases – 1982-86 – which is coincidentally the years of my touring. A grand total of four shows have been released from this era –  amounting to only one third of the 1977 releases alone. Even if we excuse the release of all 22 shows from the 1972 European Tour, this works out to a lousy 3% of the releases from almost 20% of their touring years.The Black Hole in Grateful Dead ReleasesSo what gives with Dave Lemieux and company? Is it that these years were particularly weak? I would argue the opposite, that these years offer stellar shows with stellar versions of stellar songs.

Check out these recordings on the Grateful Dead archive and hear for yourself:

Greek Theater 1982/05/22 (Lazy Lightnin’-Supplication)

Madison Square Gardens 1982/09/29 (Loser, China Cat-Rider)

Seattle Auditorium 1983/08/27 (Jack Straw)

Indianapolis Sports and Music Center 1984/06/30 (Shakedown-Playin’-Terrapin)

Worchester Centrum 1984/10/08 (Terrapin-Samson)The Black Hole in Grateful Dead Releases

Augusta Civic Center 1984/10/12 (Cold Rain, Uncle John’s, Morning Dew)

Hartford Civic Center 1984/10/14 (Estimated Prophet)

Oklahoma Zoo Amphitheater 1985/09/02 (BerthaMe and My Uncle, Stagger Lee)

Henry J. Kaiser 1986/02/11 (Bird Song)

Hopefully one day Dave will wake up and get these shows packaged and shipped. (Providence 1986/03/30 is pretty good too.)

Our Failure in Group Think

Theodore Sturgeon wrote of group think, or bleshing, as he called it, in his novel More Than Human. The idea is simple, founded on minds working together, the sum of the parts being greater than the whole, celebrated by many in the arts, such as Phil Lesh of The Grateful Dead. It is the dream of musicians and anarchists alike, to be at one with each other, to guide and at the same time follow, and yet it is just that, an impossible dream for anything practical. Human nature is the flaw, our inherent need to always want something more for ourselves. Adam Smith and his capitalist crew celebrate this in what we can achieve – always in terms of monetary success – but it’s a far cry from all those other things we are told to cherish, and in the end, just don’t give a damn about. We lie to ourselves about everything – about who we are and we will achieve – just to get through and not think about the world as we have made it.

100 Dead Shows in 35 Years (& 2 Months)

Hampton Coliseum, Virginia, March 9, 1983. 100 Dead Shows in 35 Years (& 2 Months)

  1. 04/09/83 (Sat) Hampton Coliseum – Hampton, VA
  2. 10/17/83 Mon) Olympic Center – Lake Placid, NY
  3. 04/16/84 (Mon) Community War Memorial – Rochester, NY
  4. 04/17/84 (Tue) Niagara Falls Convention Center – Niagara Falls, NY
  5. 06/21/84 (Thu) Kingswood Music Theatre – Maple, Ontario
  6. 06/30/84 (Sat) Indianapolis Sports and Music Center – Indianapolis, IN
  7. 07/01/84 (Sun) Pine Knob Music Theater – Clarkston, MI
  8. 08/10/84 (Fri) Rocky Glen Amusement Park – Moosic, PA (JGB)
  9. 08/11/84 (Sat) Caldwell College – Caldwell, NJ (JGB)
  10. 10/20/84 (Sat) Carrier Dome – Syracuse, NY
  11. 03/31/85 (Sun) Cumberland County Civic Center – Portland, ME
  12. 04/01/85 (Mon) Cumberland County Civic Center – Portland, ME
  13. 06/21/85 (Fri) Alpine Valley Music Theatre – East Troy, WI
  14. 06/22/85 (Sat) Alpine Valley Music Theatre – East Troy, WI
  15. 06/28/85 (Fri) Hershey Park Stadium – Hershey, PA
  16. 09/02/85 (Mon) Zoo Amphitheater – Oklahoma City, OK
  17. 09/03/85 (Tue) Starlight Theater – Kansas City, MO
  18. 09/05/85 (Thu) Red Rocks Amphitheatre – Morrison, CO
  19. 09/06/85 (Fri) Red Rocks Amphitheatre – Morrison, CO
  20. 10/31/85 (Thu) University of SC – Carolina Coliseum – Columbia, SC
  21. 11/01/85 (Fri) Richmond Coliseum – Richmond, VA
  22. 11/02/85 (Sat) Richmond Coliseum – Richmond, VA
  23. 11/07/85 (Thu) Community War Memorial – Rochester, NY
  24. 02/08/86 (Sat) Henry J. Kaiser Convention Center – Oakland, CA
  25. 02/09/86 (Sun) Henry J. Kaiser Convention Center – Oakland, CA
  26. 02/11/86 (Tue) Henry J. Kaiser Convention Center – Oakland, CA
  27. 03/30/86 (Sun) Providence Civic Center – Providence, RI
  28. 03/31/86 (Mon) Providence Civic Center – Providence, RI
  29. 04/01/86 (Tue) Providence Civic Center – Providence, RI
  30. 09/21/86 The Stone – San Francisco, CA 1986 (Kingfish w/Bob Weir)
  31. 10/31/86 (Fri) Henry J. Kaiser Convention Center – Oakland, CA (Bob Weir)
  32. 11/22/86 Warfield Theatre – San Francisco, CA (Garcia, Weir& Kreutzman)
  33. 12/15/86 (Mon) Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum – Oakland, CA
  34. 12/16/86 (Tue) Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum – Oakland, CA
  35. 12/17/86 (Wed) Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum – Oakland, CA
  36. 07/19/87 (Sun) Autzen Stadium – Eugene, OR (with Bob Dylan)
  37. 10/03/87 (Sat) Shoreline Amphitheatre – Mountain View, CA
  38. 06/25/88 (Sat) Buckeye Lake Music Center – Hebron, OH
  39. 09/22/88 (Thu) Madison Square Gardens – Manhattan, NY
  40. 09/23/88 (Thu) Madison Square Gardens – Manhattan, NY
  41. 10/25/89 (Wed) Miami Arena – Miami , FL
  42. 10/26/89 (Thu) Miami Arena – Miami , FL
  43. 03/21/90 (Wed) Copps Coliseum – Hamilton, Ontario
  44. 03/22/90 (Thu) Copps Coliseum – Hamilton, Ontario
  45. 07/21/90 (Sat) World Music Theatre – Tinley Park, IL
  46. 07/22/90 (Sun) World Music Theatre – Tinley Park, IL
  47. 06/09/91 (Sun) Buckeye Lake Music Center – Hebron, OH
  48. 11/16/91 (Sat) Knickerbocker Arena – Albany, NY (JGB)
  49. 03/20/92 (Fri) Copps Coliseum – Hamilton, Ontario
  50. 03/21/92 (Sat) Copps Coliseum – Hamilton, Ontario
  51. 06/09/92 (Tue) Richfield Coliseum – Richfield, OH
  52. 52. 07/20/92 Molson Amphitheater, Toronto, Ontario (Weir & Wasserman)
  53. 06/08/93 (Tue) Palace of Auburn Hills – Auburn Hills, MI

  1. 06/11/93 (Fri) Buckeye Lake Music Center – Hebron, OH
  2. 06/13/93 (Sun) Rich Stadium – Buffalo, NY
  3. 04/17/99 (Sat) Warfield Theatre – San Francisco, CA (Phil Lesh)
  4. 09/02/01 (Sun) Bumbershoot Festival – Seattle, WA (Ratdog)
  5. 07/06/03 (Sun) Red Rocks Amphitheatre – Morrison, CO ((The Dead)
  6. 09/21/03 (Sun) Gorge Amphitheatre – George, WA (The Dead)
  7. 08/06/04 (Fri) Darien Lakes Performing Arts – Darien, NY (The Dead)
  8. 08/17/04 (Tue) Alltel Pavilion @ Walnut Creek – Raleigh, NC (The Dead)
  9. 08/18/04 (Wed) Verizon Amphitheatre – Charlotte, NC (The Dead)
  10. 08/19/04 (Thu) Hi Fi Buys Amphitheatre – Atlanta, GA (The Dead)
  11. 09/01/05 (Thu) Central Park – Summer Stage – NY, NY (Ratdog)
  12. 02/15/06 (Wed) Beacon Theatre – New York City, NY (Phil Lesh & Friends)
  13. 04/06/06 (Thu) Beacon Theatre – New York City, NY (Ratdog)
  14. 04/08/06 (Sat) Beacon Theatre – New York City, NY (Ratdog)
  15. 07/15/06 (Sat) Tweeter Center – Mansfield, MA (Ratdog)
  16. 03/08/07 (Sat) Beacon Theatre – New York City, NY (Ratdog)
  17. 07/09/07 Central Park Summerstage – New York, NY (Ratdog)
  18. 08/12/07 (Sun) Boarding House Park – Lowell, MA (Ratdog)
  19. 11/06/07 (Tue) Nokia Theatre – New York City, NY (Phil Lesh & Friends)
  20. 04/05/08 (Sat) Beacon Theatre – New York City, NY (Ratdog)
  21. 11/01/08 (Sat) Nokia Theatre – New York City, NY (Phil Lesh & Friends)
  22. 04/25/09 (Sat) Madison Square Garden – Manhattan, NY (The Dead)
  23. 05/02/09 (Sat) Wachovia Spectrum – Philadelphia, PA (The Dead)
  24. 10/19/09 (Mon) The Grand – New York City, NY (Ratdog)
  25. 07/10/10 (Sat) Mann Music Center – Philadelphia, PA (Furthur)
  26. 07/29/10 (Thu) Nokia Theatre – Manhattan, NY (Furthur)
  27. 03/29/11 (Tue) Broome County Arena – Binghamton, New York (The Dead)
  28. 07/22/11 (Fri) Gathering of Vibes @ Seaside Park – Bridgeport (The Dead)
  29. 011/10/11 (Thu) Madison Square Garden – Manhattan, NY (Grateful Dead)
  30. 04/09/12 (Mon) Beacon Theatre – New York City, NY (Furthur)
  31. 04/18/12 (Wed) Beacon Theatre – New York City, NY (Furthur)
  32. 07/07/12 (Sat) Mann Music Center – Philadelphia, PA (Furthur)
  33. 07/13/12 (Fri) MCU Park – Coney Island, NY (Furthur)
  34. 10/04/12 (Thur)  Hard Rock Cafe – Las Vegas, NV (Furthur)
  35. 10/02/13 (Wed) The Palms – Las Vegas, NV (Furthur)
  36. 02/21/14 (Fri) Theatre at Westbury – Westbury, NY (Ratdog)
  37. 09/21/14 Forest Hills Stadium, Queens, NY (Phil Lesh and Friends)
  38. 10/18/14 Brooklyn Bowl, Las Vegas, NV (Phil Lesh and Friends)
  39. 03/18/15 Capitol Theatre, Port Chester, NY (Phil Lesh and Friends)
  40. 07/04/15 Soldier Field – Chicago, Illinois (The Dead with Trey Anastasio)
  41. 09/16/15 – Central Park Summer Stage (Phil Lesh and Friends)
  42. 5/29/16 – Capitol Theatre, Port Chester, NY (Phil Lesh and Friends)
  43. 06/25/16 – Citi Field, Queens, NY (Dead and Company)
  44. 09/14/16 – Coney Island Boardwalk (Phil Lesh and Friends)
  45. 10/14/16 – Kings Theatre, Brooklyn, NY (Bob Weir Camp Fire)
  46. 03/15/17 Capitol Theatre – Port Chester, NY (Phil Lesh and Friends)
  47. 05/21/17 Capitol Theatre – Port Chester, NY (Phil Lesh and Friends)Capitol Theater, Port Chester, May 26, 2017

Ratdog and Mayer

The hype on Dead and Company, the latest Grateful Dead side project, is befuddling to say the least, although the success of 50th anniversary shows have certainly led us hereRatdog and MayerThe truth is, however, that the fall tour of this hodgepodge and questionably-named band has little to do with the concerts in Chicago. Not only is founding member Phil Lesh nowhere to be seen – indeed he is concurrently playing in his eponymous band – but neither were Bruce Hornsby and Trey Anastasio included.

This group lacks the soul of earlier post-Jerry Garcia incarnations, The Dead and Furthur, neither of which were bedazzled by all the hype.Ratdog and MayerThis band, headlined by pop guitarist John Mayer who has nothing whatsoever to do with the music of the Grateful Dead, is a dubious path for Bob Weir, Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann and, if they are not careful, could lead to moments they might regret. Ratdog and Mayer

The Virtual World – and Company

Just back from a one-month writing stint during which I shed, albeit briefly, my log-in addiction, I was able to find some focus in the narrative. 20150710_202206No Leafs. No Dead. No Bachelor.

My days became balanced and quiet, my dreams vivid. I wrote and read and hiked and wrote and read. 20150709_213432It was as good as it gets.

Needless to say, I have returned and been disappointed in virtually every corner: The Leafs traded Kessel, The Grateful Dead devolved into something called The Dead and Company and The Bachelor concluded with a Nazi-like denigration of homosexuality. bachelorette-bachelorsAnd I’m blogging about it again!

The Ecstastic Soul of The Grateful Dead

And so we went to the July 4th Fare Thee Well concert. The Ecstastic Soul of The Grateful DeadThe Grateful Dead, even without Jerry Garcia, played with heart and inspiration.The Ecstastic Soul of The Grateful DeadThe sound was almost as great as was the feeling of being back at a show, that feeling of ecstatic calm, where it seems there is nowhere else ever to be, just in the music, surrounded, like a child, soothed, where everything else turns off, except thinking about what they might play next. The Ecstastic Soul of The Grateful DeadIt is a precious, precarious thing that, now gone, has left me melancholy, thinking that they have to do it again – just one more, man –  where they just yet might get into a Lazy Lightning-El Paso-Supplication jam.The Ecstastic Soul of The Grateful Dead

The Grateful Dead Is The Drug

I’m off to see The Grateful Dead this weekend in Chicago. dead-fair-thee-well-homepage-pfaAlthough tickets for the Fare Thee Well concerts were too expensive and The Dead’s marketing branch is selling 70-CD box sets for $700, the music remains the thing.

Santa Clara, CA - June 27:  performs on Fare Thee Well: Celebrating 50 Years Of Grateful Dead at Levi Stadium on June 27, 2015 in Santa Clara, California.  (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

Santa Clara, CA – June 27: performs on Fare Thee Well: Celebrating 50 Years Of Grateful Dead at Levi Stadium on June 27, 2015 in Santa Clara, California. (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

I was so wound up during my workout today – listening to The Dead – that I went through a series of adrenaline rushes, each one almost ending in tears, until I finally started to settle down after an hour and then had to do another hour to get my energy out. The Grateful Dead Is The DrugI saw my first Grateful Dead concert in Hampton, Virginia on March 9, 1983 and went on to follow the band over 12 years, seeing 48 concerts in such places as Lake Placid, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City, Boulder, Providence, Eugene, San Francisco, Miami and, yes, Chicago. The Grateful Dead Is The DrugKnown for a wide range of rock genres, The Grateful Dead will likely play much of their Americana at Saturday’s July 4th concert, including covers such as Me and My Uncle (John Phillips), Big River (Johnny Cash), El Paso (Marty Robbins), Me and Bobby McGee (Kris Kristoferson) and I Know Your Rider (traditional) as well as their own true America standards Jack Straw, Going Down the Road Feeling Bad, and US Blues. The Grateful Dead Is The DrugDamn it, I’m getting worked up again.I need to breathe.